Losing a loved one is a deeply sad and difficult experience, and attending wakes or funerals can leave you feeling overwhelmed as you try to balance your own emotions as well as others. However, surrounding yourself with loved ones can provide some comfort, reminding us that we're not alone in our grief.  

Deciding between the wake and the funeral

If you're unsure whether you should attend a service or not, know that your presence can make all the difference in supporting your friend or family member as they navigate this challenging time.  

While there isn't a correct answer, we hope these guidelines support you in making an informed decision. When in doubt, attending both is probably best.

If you haven't seen the person in years

Attending the funeral is a good way to show respect for an old friend, even if you don't know any of the deceased's family members. Attending the wake isn't necessary, especially if you didn't know the deceased's family well. Nevertheless, attending the wake can communicate to the family how much the friendship meant to you.

If you didn't know the deceased personally 

If a friend, neighbour or co-worker recently lost a family member, attending the wake helps express your condolences and is not only appropriate for this kind of relationship, it shows them that you truly care.

If you have young kids

Finding a babysitter might be a good idea if you have young children and toddlers as they can be challenging to manage at a funeral, and through no fault of their own, they can be a distraction to people grieving. Don't push yourself to attend both the wake and the funeral, for being present at one service will be completely understandable.   Finding a babysitter of course isn't always easy, so if this isn't an option for you, consider sending flowers or a hamper. 

If you have to travel long distances

It's okay to only attend one service if you are travelling a long distance. If the wake and funeral are on different days, most people wouldn't expect you to make the trip twice. If you find yourself having to travel long distances and an overnight stay, you may as well attend both especially if the funeral and wake are on the same day. 

Different religious cultures

If the service is in a different religion and you feel uncomfortable attending religious ceremonies, consider only attending the wake. Most of the time, the wake is a time to interact with others who are also in mourning. Religious ceremonies are often more prevalent during funeral services.

If the deceased was close to your child

Consider attending the funeral with your child. Show your child that when a person dies, it is important to show respect. Your child will learn what to expect from a funeral and feel more comfortable attending services when they are older. To support your child further, you might like to visit your local library to find a children's book related to death and grieving before or after the service.

When you should attend both

For family members and very close friends, attending both the wake and the funeral is important. If you are a member of the immediate family, people will want to express condolences to you therefore being there is essential.  

Whether you attend a wake or a funeral, remember that grieving is a complicated process. It can be challenging to navigate your emotions while also offering support to others who are grieving. If you are still unsure, attending both services is often the best option. Remember, we all handle grief differently, so try not to be too hard on yourself, your heart will guide you.

To find support

Beyond Blue provides Australians with information and support to improve their mental health. Call 1300 22 46 36 or visit beyondblue.org.au for more information.

Lifeline Australia provides Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24-hour crisis support. Call 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for more information.

GriefLine listens, cares and supports people experiencing loss and grief, at any stage in life. Call 1300 845 6am to midnight AEST, 7 days a week.

MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service for Australian men. Call 1300 78 99 78, 24 hours / 7 days a week.

Kids Helpline is a free 24/7, confidential and private counselling service Australia wide specifically for children and young people aged 5 to 25 years. Call 1800 55 1800.

Life Supports Counselling provides Australians with experienced counsellors & psychologists in their local area Australia-wide. Call 1300 735... .