Delayed Grief - What is it?

Grief doesn't always appear following the death of a loved one, sometimes it may be postponed for weeks, months, even years later. This is often referred to as delayed grief, complicated grief or prolonged grief.

These types of grief can happen when a person is unable to process their emotions in the moment and they resurface later. Other times, a person might get stuck in grief and feel they are unable to find a way through it.

People experience delayed grief for different reasons. It could be that an event was too traumatic for a person to handle and in crisis mode, they go into a state of dissociation. A person might have to care for young children and the needs of their family come before their own mourning.  Perhaps a family couldn't be with their loved one when they died or missed having a funeral due to Covid-19 sanctions. Consider even a very sudden or violent death that is so intense to comprehend, that a person has to block it from their mind just to breathe.

Grief doesn't disappear

It might make sense sometimes for a person to push grief aside in the hope it will just go away. However, it will never go away because by not acknowledging grief, it will remain with you.

Suppressing painful emotions might even begin to manifest themselves physically such as headaches, ulcers or even nausea. It might manifest itself emotionally such as depression, unexplained anger, bitterness or intense loneliness.

Eventually grief will find its way to the surface, and when it does, it might happen randomly and without any warning at all. Sometimes something as menial as breaking a glass or more emotional like the death of a family pet might trigger someone to break down. The person might be perplexed as to why they are so upset, however the situation may have simply opened the dam to every suppressed emotion felt from a traumatic event several years before.

A person might delay their grief for so long they forget what the traumatic event even was. This can be particularly complicated when they start to try and understand where the grief is coming from.

Self-help for delayed grief

No matter what grief you experience, when, or who you have lost, dealing with grief is messy, complicated and a process that differs for each person.

Tools to help you work through delayed grief may include:

• Grief journal

Journaling your grief can help you figure out how the loss has affected your life? How does the experience make you feel? Also where do you want to go from here?

• Visit place of death or cemetery

By visiting the place of death or cemetery can help make the death feel more final, more real. The tools used for grief work are never too late to be implemented now.

• Join a support group

Grief or bereavement support groups can help you talk with people who have also lost a loved one.

• Share their story

Recalling your loved one's story, experiences, food and music they enjoyed is a wonderful way to honour their memory and increase positive emotions.

• Routine

When life feels like it's in turmoil, routines can make people feel in control and can provide a comforting sense of predictability.

• Rest

Grief is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. Give your body time to heal and rest when you need to.

Delayed grief support

People aren't always the best at asking for help, especially if they've been holding on to grief and emotional pain for a long time.

If you are experiencing grief whether present or delayed and you're having trouble working through it, consider talking to a health professional who can help. Perhaps you might feel more comfortable starting a conversation with a close friend or colleague about how you're feeling.

If you're dealing with delayed grief, know it's not your fault. Everyone experiences grief differently and at any time it can re-emerge when you least expect it.

Remember you are not alone in your grief and reaching out to someone for help should never be mistaken as a sign of weakness, in fact the exact opposite!  Seeking help is a sign of strength for there is bravery in being vulnerable.

Support is always available:

Beyond Blue provides Australians with information and support to improve their mental health. Call 1300 22 46 36 or visit beyondblue.org.au for more information.

Lifeline Australia provides Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24-hour crisis support. Call 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for more information.

GriefLine listens, cares and supports people experiencing loss and grief, at any stage in life. Call 1300 845... 8am to 8pm AEST, weekdays.

MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service for Australian men. Call 1300 78 99 78, 24 hours / 7 days a week.

Kids Helpline is a free 24/7, confidential and private counselling service Australia wide specifically for children and young people aged 5 to 25 years. Call 1800 55 1800.

Life Supports Counselling provides Australians with experienced counsellors and psychologists in their local area Australia-wide. Call 1300 735... .

By Kirsten Jakubenko