Suicide support for those left behind

If you are reading this, it's possible that you have experienced the devastating loss of a loved one to suicide - and sadly, with suicide statistics the way they are today, it may not be the first time.

The loss of a loved one to suicide, no matter how close they were to you, is a traumatic and heart-wrenching experience that can leave a profound impact on those who are left behind.

Due to the sudden and unexpected nature of suicide, the pain and confusion that follows can evoke a range of intense and complicated feelings that may be difficult to make sense of. We hope this article on suicide support can help you or your loved one come to terms with the loss and find reassurance that there is a path to healing and a light at the end of it.

In addition to grief, you might also experience overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, anger, devastation, sadness and of course the biggest one of them all, guilt.  A guilt like no other, filled with a prolonged search for answers that may never be answered. This can make the journey through grief particularly complex and draining, for one can never be certain of what they were thinking or feeling when they chose to end their life.

It is a trying time for all who are grieving the loss of a loved one. However, it's important to remember that all the feelings you are or are not feeling are valid, that you're not alone and most importantly -  that it won't always look and feel like this.

Grief that follows a suicide is a unique and individual one and often sees changes to a person's perspective on life as well as changes to relationships. The grieving process can sometimes even lead to a heightened focus on personal reflection, beliefs, thoughts, hopes and a new lens on what the future looks like.

Understanding your emotions after a suicide loss

Shock

The initial sense of shock following the loss of someone to suicide can trigger intense shock, almost disabling. It is not uncommon to imagine the moments leading up to their death or to revisit these thoughts over and over again. Even if you didn't witness the death, the mere thought of how it happened can feel overwhelming, traumatic, even haunting.

Physical symptoms such as nausea, shaking, trouble sleeping, anxiety, even chest pain can also accompany such a shock. Professionals say these symptoms are the body's natural reactions to extreme emotional pressure. If you are feeling worried about any of these symptoms, it's recommended that you seek medical attention.

Disbelief

It is normal to struggle coming to terms with the loss of someone you love to suicide. It's not uncommon for the bereaved to expect their loved one to walk back through the door, to expect they will phone at any moment or feel like the whole situation is a dream. Researchers say this belief is a natural protective mechanism that will eventually fade over time as you begin to adjust to them being absent from your life.

Understanding Why

One of the most challenging aspects of grieving after a suicide is never fully understanding the reason why they chose to end their life. Even if you were aware of their struggles, it can still be difficult to understand why they thought that ending their life was their only option.

Guilt

Guilt following a suicide can bring up overwhelming feelings of guilt and the belief that it all could have been prevented. You may feel responsible for not providing more support, for not noticing just how bad things really were for them. However, as hard as it is, please try to remember that it is of course easier to identify their distress in hindsight, and the support you offered them was based on your understanding of them at the time.

Self forgiveness is an important step towards healing and moving forward, so try and show yourself the same kindness and compassion you would offer anyone else.

Shame

The stigma surrounding suicide can sometimes add to your grief because you feel shame about their death, and perhaps unsure of what to tell others for fear of being judged. This can lead to missed opportunities for support because it's too shameful and hard to reach out, and also because other people are unsure how to help.

Accepting the person's choice to end their life and speaking to others who are trying to reach the same acceptance can help relieve some of the shame you are feeling. Nurturing the relationships you have around to support you and talking to them about your struggles can be very helpful. It's important to take care of yourself during this difficult time, so do whatever feels most comfortable to you. If you don't want to talk to anyone in your circle or you don't have anyone to talk to, try reaching out to one of the support groups outlined below, they are always available to listen.

Anger

Anger towards the person who died is a normal but confusing feeling. You may be angry with them for leaving and causing so much pain for those they chose to leave behind, or you may blame others for not doing more to help them. You may even get angry with yourself for not being able to prevent their death. Talking about how these feelings are affecting you can help process your thoughts. Also taking time to get outside for some fresh air and to get the body moving can also help to release pent-up anger.

Taking care of yourself after a suicide

Grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide is emotionally draining and can begin to take a toll on your physical and mental health. It's important to nurture yourself by eating well, sleeping well and engaging in physical activity. Also, try your best to surround yourself with people who are your best supporters, now's not the time to be with people who don't have your best interests at heart, and nurture alone time whenever you feel you need it.

Holidays and anniversaries are going to come around and may trigger intense emotions, so prepare yourself and try to have a plan in place for coping with it on the day. Often people find commemorating the life of their loved one to be a healing practice, such as through rituals, photos, stories and the use of memory items and books.

Be kind

Remember to be kind to yourself. Grief can become so overwhelming for some that they may lead to thoughts of suicide. If you are experiencing these thoughts, please reach out to someone close to you or for professional support.

Be mindful that every person's reaction to loss and coping processes after a suicide loss are different. Give yourself the permission to feel all the emotions that drift in and out of your thoughts, both the painful ones and the happy ones.

There is no timeline for grieving and by no means is it a measure of how much you loved them. You will never forget them, but you are allowed to move on. Memories of them will become less painful and they will become part of your life in a new way.

"Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you'll ever do. And the bravest. It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed. But it is the only way to cleanse your wounds and prepare them for healing." Barbara Johnson  

By Kirsten Jakubenko

To find support:

Beyond Blue provides Australians with information and support to improve their mental health. Call 1300 22 46 36 or visit beyondblue.org.au for more information.

Lifeline Australia provides Australians experiencing a personal crisis with access to 24-hour crisis support. Call 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for more information.

StandBy is Australia's leading suicide postvention program dedicated to assisting people and communities bereaved or impacted by suicide, call 1300 727... .

GriefLine listens, cares and supports people experiencing loss and grief, at any stage in life. Call 1300 845 6am to midnight AEST, 7 days a week.

MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service for Australian men. Call 1300 78 99 78, 24 hours / 7 days a week.

Kids Helpline is a free 24/7, confidential and private counselling service Australia wide specifically for children and young people aged 5 to 25 years. Call 1800 55 1800.

Life Supports Counselling provides Australians with experienced counsellors & psychologists in their local area Australia-wide. Call 1300 735... .

Sources:

• https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/lost-someone-to-suicide/common-experiences-with-suicide-bereavement/